Author Topic: Medical jokes  (Read 4414 times)

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Offline Dr.Noora

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Medical jokes
« on: July 23, 2007, 06:14:11 PM »
Hi Colleagues  I have collected some medical jokes wich i hope u will like them.

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
     The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
    The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
    The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
    The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
    The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.  "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
    "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
    "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
    "Twenty-six," he said.


 The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
    The patient said, "Give me the good news."
    The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."

Adam and Ali were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Adam suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
    Ali promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled Adam out. The Medical Director came to know of Ali's heroic act. He immediately ordered that Ali be discharged from the mental hospital as he considered him to be okay.
    The doctor told Ali, "We have good news and bad news for you, Ali! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr.Adam, hung himself in the bathroom, and died".
    Ali replied, "Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry".


                             Actual Medical Records

A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records.  These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

1-The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
2-Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
4-The skin was moist and dry.
5-Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
6-The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
7-I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
8-The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
9-Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. 10-The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
11-Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
12-While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
13-The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
14-The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
15-Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
16-Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
17-Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
18-Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19-When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
20-Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
21-On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
22-The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
23-The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
24-Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
25-Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
26-The patient refused autopsy.
27-The patient has no previous history of suicides.
28-Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
29-Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
30-Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
31-Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
32-Skin: somewhat pale but present.
33-The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
34-Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
35-Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

you're the peace in my soul
that's why I will never really be alone

Dalxiis kaagamaan tagin Dalkeegoow


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