If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the
line so we can trace the call
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear